Telling the truth shows strength, but sarcasm shows weakness

   I admit it. I used to be sarcastic. Sarcasm made me feel strong, witty, and brave.

   That was then.  In the early 90s when, reading  John Knowles’s A Separate Peace because I would be teaching it, these words popped out at me:     “As I said, this was my sarcastic summer. It was only long after that I recognized sarcasm as the protest of people who are weak.”
 
The words forced me to shut the book and ponder whether

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Knowles’s words were correct or not. After all, I always told my students that just because someone wrote something and it got published, it doesn’t mean it’s the truth (a big awakening for them!).

   So there I was, someone who prided herself in a having a sharp, sarcastic wit, reading that my sarcasm, in fact, showed weakness.

   The more I thought about it, the more I realized was that Knowles was right, and that sarcasm is a bad habit.

  I figured this out by watching my words and my thoughts.  A co-worker would come up to me and say she’d help me with something, and my mind would blurt, “Oh, sure, that’ll be the day.”  Or one of my children would tell me he’d cleaned his room, and I’d react saying, “Were you able to close your closet door when you were done?”

   In both cases, my thoughts and words revealed my belief that the other person would fail me and I would not get what I really wanted. Never mind that my co-worker just said she’d help me, or that my child just said he’d cleaned his room. My most immediate, habitual reaction was that I would, once again, be a victim. And this reaction revealed what I had been thinking at an unconscious level probably all my life.  

   (I’m guessing you know where I’m going with this.)

   Obviously this new knowledge about myself was a problem.  If two of my long-standing subconscious thoughts are that I will be a victim and no one will help me, guess what I’m creating? Lots of experiences founded on exactly that
  
   So I immediately worked to break my bad habit of being internally and externally sarcastic, because I didn’t want to create negative experiences for myself. This was easier if I was alert to myself. When I was tired or stressed, I regressed.

    Why did I say that? Because I didn’t want to keep protesting. I wanted to just cut her off. Which I did. But she went away knowing I was afraid of her. It would have been stronger of me to just say, “No, I’m good, but thank you for asking.” I’d feel cleaner. I’d be strong. She’d be left with the impression I knew what I needed and how to get it. In other words, she’d also think I was strong.

     Through my evolution from being a sarcastic person to being a truth teller, as I like to think of it, I learned to watch others when they’re sarcastic. Almost to a person, the one being sarcastic in a given moment is the one who is experiencing weakness. In an argument, the sarcastic person is probably the one whose argument doesn’t hold up. In a relationship, the sarcastic person is probably the one who doesn’t know how to or can’t find the strength to tell the truth. (If you love this person, coax him or her to reveal the truth about what he or she wants. It’ll solidify and strengthen your relationship immensely.)

   Last, I’d like to remind you of the difference between sarcasm and irony. Irony, which often causes us to laugh, is when what’s expected and what happens don’t match. It’s why we sometimes giggle when people fall down or run into chairs. It’s also why we laugh at people who say, “Never lie,” but then are caught lying. It’s why we smile when we meet tall person named Shorty.

   Sarcasm is a form of irony, because what’s being said and what’s being thought don’t match. But irony is not a form of sarcasm. Sarcasm reveals pain. When a person uses sarcasm to express his pain, he uses it as a weapon to inflict pain. 

   Finally, what do I do when I hear my sarcastic inner voice? I think, “Whoa, what is it I fear in this moment? And what do I want instead?” I use those answers to move toward achieving my new goal, and away from any desire to inflict pain on another person. 

Thank you for reading! Please share with your friends. You never know who it'll help or delight.

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